Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Neon Jesus Kiss My Face, Take me to the water


2009 was a strange year, in some aspects... A bit of a fog. A strange fog. What the fuck was I doing I've been asking myself. Part of me is like "Aw fuck you gotta make mistakes" and part of me is disappointed. Life rolls on. Time marches on. Keep on keepin on.

2010 needs to be a tabula rasa of sorts, a clay in which to mold a life and experience.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Sometimes

I'm homesick. A bit depressed. Need some sun.

Strokes

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Winter leads into a new juncture



There still is a ton of snow outside seeing that it's like 36 degrees. I've been meaning to take pictures... Working on getting off book for the play I am in. I need to just sit down with the script. It's suppose to open sometime in March.

-Z

Maurice Bejart

Bhakti- Shiva 1969
He was an amazing choreographer. Just now learning about him... That's usually how it happens.





-Zuleika

Saturday, December 19, 2009

An artist's salvation: Amber Christian Osterhout

Disease Onset



Most recently a friend of mine introduced me to this painter... I was first struck by her ability to translate the pain of living with a loved one struggling with mental illness to canvas. Her paintings are so strong, beautiful, and empathetic. I personally live with a mental illness, which is sometimes hard to face. I lived with it for 18 years until I couldn't manage anymore. I was tired of closing off the side of me I had locked away. I always tried to be strong, and functioned with major depression for 18 years till I had a complete breakdown. It was one of the most painful and confusing times in my life. These past 3 years I have been in recovery. Some days are a struggle, and it's painful to have something you have only so much control over... Opening up about my struggles and getting help has allowed me to be free. Amber's paintings mean so much, and she is beautiful for sharing them. Art became a catharsis for me many years ago. It saved my life. All I can say is don't be afraid and open your heart and mind to the subject of mental illness and the people you encounter with it. See them as people, human. There is truth and insight to every encounter and every experience. They tell us who we are.



Psychosis



Lack of Insight



Suicide



Coping



Recovery

Friday, December 11, 2009

Melancholia

I don't know where to start this. I am beat tired. I keep identifying these last few weeks of school as the "homestretch". The word melancholy in reference to myself kind of enrages me, but I am a little down. Down, but no self pitying. Feeling... I over extended myself this year.

I had the worst night. Dealing with a person from satan's den, I pity this person really. People take no time to get to know themselves. Self Loathing is so evident in people who feel like they have to drown others in their personal failure. Their dying because of their inablity to accept themselves. Faults and gifts in all.

It's just a pebble in the grand scheme of things...

I've been cast in a play called Kid Simple as a "priggish" Triple AAA guide. All this play needs is some psychedelic projections and acid. It's interesting.

Good rest is needed.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Divine Idylle

Sunday- Vanessa Paradis
Be My Baby


Divine Idylle

Joe le Taxi


Zx

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Laughter's Shade


In old glory the past wanes subtlety
Expending itself in its only possible way
My brain was left in that common place
Awakened, Disguised, yet far away

If you would dare to see my face
unmasked from the disguise you given me
Each shade would tell a truth
In all earth's wise dignities

As I undress myself of old layers of unconsciousness
A women has grown to redeem herself
No longer suffocated in fear
No longer suffocated in longing
No longer suffocated in past desires

Laughter's shade covers my face
enveloping my very soul
and being

And now the sun is breaking

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Friday, November 27, 2009

Paths


I feel a great sense of clarity right now. A steady quietness that I've been needing to feel for quite some time. Or just get in tune with. I feel strong. Solid. I'm in Virginia which is like my second home outside of Texas. I haven't felt this centered in a long time. The future lies in the choices we make, and who we are in relation to what gets thrown our way...

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Tiny Topsy

I stumbled across her music... Her voice amazing.





xx

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Picture Show


On an unplanned trip to BestBuy yesterday with my sister I bought Capote (for like 4 bucks which makes sense to my wallet, but no sense in price for quality's sake). It is one of the best movies that I've seen in a long time. I think the word riveting is cliche and something you hear in movie reviews, but this movie was riveting. Enthralling. I haven't yet read In Cold Blood, but I have to now that I've seen this.







After that I watched Chaplin with Robert Downey Jr. for the first time. It came out in '92 when I was 4. Learning about Chaplin was like osmosis. It's like he's somewhere in the collective unconscious where ever pop culture resides. I also remember Sesame Street having one of their actors do a Chaplin bit that was great. Anyway, Robert Downey Jr. gave a really good performance. He really took on the slapstick/vaudeville physical humor. Really loved it.


Chaplin's a hero

xx

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

How are we going to do this?


So I've spent three months with an ensemble of people lets say eight because I could perhaps be forgetting someone... Anyway three months of working on a lets say "play". We have written it, directed it, and acted/performed in it. Today was our opening day. We got to the theatre at like 9:00 this morning did a rehearsal yada yada. Of course nerves were present. It's great that this came together and connected to our audience. Two hundred people came to see our play... I am so happy to be a part of it... Our supervisor/editor I'll call her, consistently pushed us to be our best, write our best, give good direction, and not let this play in her words "shit the bed". I will be using that phrase in the future. The whole process has been draining, and rewarding. A labor of love :). Another show tomorrow.xx My brain is tired...

Besides that I am listening to Edith Piaf who I adore.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Roy Orbison


Roy Orbison is one of my all time favorite artists. I like the term magician. He makes me happy. It's quite pointless to explain what makes Roy Orbison so special. He had such an amazing voice. His way of getting a song out and conveying emotion are inexplicable. Not to mention being a great songwriter. His songs are quite simple, but have such a quality to them. Magician... I'm yammering now... :)
"He made emotion fashionable"-Robin Gibb

This is one of those Dvd sets, it's got some really good interview bits.


From Black & White Night


Monday, November 2, 2009

Interpretation

My day started with having to get up at 5:30 in the morning for a rehearsal... We are still tweaking this war story play we are doing, and it's still being tweaked. We go on next Tuesday. We have this funny sound designer who thought she could get away with sticking Lord of the Rings music in the background of one of the scenes. To say the least it was pretty fucking funny when there is a serious war scene going on and everyone is looking around wondering where Frodo Baggins comes in... Geez. Hobbits:) That was a lighter part of the day.
My brain at times feels as though it will implode, but I suppose everyone feels like that sometimes... It's strange, usually I am always in my head, but lately I've felt quite free. Like when you're a kid and life is there. You have the ability to be in the moment and less cerebral. It's a good thing.
I got some loot and am excited because I can afford to buy some albums. I also need a new CD player because my cheapskate one broke. It's pretty stone age, but eh whatev.
Maybe I'll get a ipod someday.

Florence and The Machine... She is such a talent. Amazing.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

ANNA MAY WONG

Beauty comes in many forms and faces. She had style and presence.















Saturday, October 24, 2009

Origin

Well, life is going. I am tired. Lots of things have been running through my brain. I was standing outside yesterday with some friends talking about sexuality... It was a good conversation. I am a little blue. I want the person who I decided to share my life with to be able to see me. You know?... At the end of the day. I really don't care if it's a man or woman. Maybe someday I'll decide. I think the term curious is disgusting, in a humorous way.

I've learned that relationships are opportunity for growth with another person. Loving them for exactly who they are. Before you can have that you have to love yourself for who you are... It's still going.

I find myself engaged in conversations with people, but far away. I laugh a lot and smile around people, but I am a relatively quiet somber person. I am happy, it's a divine dichotomy. I don't want to spend my life always like that. There are few people I can really relate to on a personal level.
I suppose everyone is like that... There's more going on. Faces...

I think of love as a something that has always been part of my life. It just hasn't manifested itself in my life in that of the romantic. Most of the men in my life have let me down, so I have never really trusted any. It took a lot for me to let that shit go... It sucks when you feel like a child... That's where I am when it comes to men... That little girl who is trying to be strong and tough, but is fragile and soft. Some people don't believe that black girls are like that... I mean I just think of myself as a person... This could go anywhere. It's kind of hard to get out what it is I am getting at.

I really got into The Cure when I was 17, Robert Smith helped realize that men have hearts too... That may sound silly, but he is really one of my heroes for that. He helped me heal a lot of hurt...




Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I am in a strange headspace. Strange, but good. I have to be a "costume mistress" for my schools production of The Taming of The Shrew. Kinda miffed about it. Part of an independent study of costuming that I am doing. I hardly have time for anything but school.

I use Myspace and Youtube primarily to listen to music, here's a song I dig right now. I suppose I am just writing to write. Maybe the next one with be a bit more purposeful... Bleh
Davila 666

Friday, October 16, 2009

Hajimemashite



That and Konichiwa are like the only Japanese I know... Anyway I've been assigned as a makeup artist for this variety show, I suppose it is Christmas related. I have to do anime inspired makeup, so I am dusting off my manga shoes. Whatever. I used to watch a lot of it when I was younger. Tenchi Muyo, Sailor Moon, and most recently Hellsing. I've only really done makeup on myself so this will be interesting. I'm trying to coax my sister into being my guinea pig, which is funny... I've personally been in love with Harajuku style since I was a tween. Can't believe I just used that term...




I've seen some crazy shit like people drawing those enormous eyes on their eyelids and such. It's not crazy... There are some really talented people, creative.
This is where I am drawing inspiration from.


Wish me luck!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Today, This Week maybe dude :)



So I suppose I am doing this blog for cathartic reasons... Bleh. Plus I love to write. I made the mistake of overloading myself at school. Taking 8 classes is not a good fucking idea if you wish to keep your mental stability... I say that jokingly. I can do it, but yeah it's been interesting. I've gone into slacker mode. Thank God I am smart or I'd really be screwed. I'm just ready to leave the school where I am studying. The biggest bonus about going there is I can walk to my shrinks office which is right across the street. I make jokes about that crap all the time... This is a bit of a drone...

I am working on a play which will be staged in November with the rest of my cohorts in an ensemble cast. We are writing, directing, and acting in this play. We've taken interviews from war survivors (that we've interviewed) and are making a dramatic piece out of it. It's a challenge, but at the same time a beautiful experience. I am grateful to be part of it. This is so much different then most theatrical stuff. You have to respect it so much more. Theater used to make me uncomfortable; it's really opened me up over the years.

I've also taken up ballet again which is like therapy to me. Well, I've realized it's good for me. It makes me happy, and is cathartic. Zen stuff dude, zen stuff.
Happy face

Sunday, October 4, 2009

All I Want


Can't you see that you hurt me baby?

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Traveling, traveling, traveling
Looking for something, what can it be
Oh I hate you some, I hate you some
I love you some
Oh I love you when I forget about me
I want to be strong I want to laugh along
I want to belong to the living
Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive
I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive
Do you want - do you want - do you want
To dance with me baby
Do you want to take a chance
On maybe finding some sweet romance with me baby
Well, come on

All I really really want our love to do
Is to bring out the best in me and in you too
All I really really want our love to do
Is to bring out the best in me and in you
I want to talk to you, I want to shampoo you
I want to renew you again and again
Applause, applause - life is our cause
When I think of your kisses
My mind see-saws
Do you see - do you see - do you see
How you hurt me baby
So I hurt you too
Then we both get so blue

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Looking for the key to set me free
Oh the jealousy, the greed is the unraveling
Its the unraveling
And it undoes all the joy that could be
I want to have fun, I want to shine like the sun
I want to be the one that you want to see
I want to knit you a sweater
Want to write you a love letter
I want to make you feel better
I want to make you feel free
Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm,
Want to make you feel free
I want to make you feel free

Love

...

You don't understand what you're doing to me. And I don't think you care.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

That's were I grew up

The sense of clarity that being there offers. In the best moments of my reflections, my memories of my childhood help me see. I used to sit on the close line in my back yard as a child and dream or just be. A lot of my pain was pondered there. I can still remember climbing the pear tree, simple moments and gifts are my happiness. I haven't been home in 3 years.

These past 3 years have been probably the most important years of my life. When I left, there was still the residue of the pains I was holding, the confusion. It's my safe haven, part of me. I want to be there now that I've healed, am healing, now that I am a young woman. That place is sacred, part of me. It's where I discovered myself and God, the sacredness of life.

I grew up there

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Heaven Knows

I've been doing this for too long

The Smiths

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable now

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I'm miserable now

I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows I'm miserable now


In my life
Why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die ?


Two lovers entwined pass me by
And heaven knows I'm miserable now


I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows I'm miserable now


In my life
Oh, why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die ?


What she asked of me at the end of the day
Caligula would have blushed


"You've been in the house too long" she said
And I (naturally) fled


In my life
Why do I smile
At people who I'd much rather kick in the eye ?


I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I'm miserable now


"You've been in the house too long" she said
And I (naturally) fled


In my life
Why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die ?

Monday, September 21, 2009

In dreams

I woke up in that solitude of a dream wondering what capacity enabled me to follow you the way I did. My loneliness garnered me some truth, none that remained in the unfamiliar realm of my unrecognizable self. I trusted something, but couldn't see the forest for the trees. I sought love in the form of admiration. You're gone now.
I cannot escape into my dreams as I often did as a child, whitewashing away the pain until even myself was unrecognizable. You were my first love. The first time I ever even dared to step out away from being afraid of the pain. I knew I couldn't trust you. To take a love from another living being and give it to another, to make promises in some design. Your a cyclical lover, do you know that?
I couldn't love you because my world was falling apart. I had to save my own life. I know I left you there standing alone. Dwelling, on false hope. For that I am sorry. Now you have whitewashed my face and traded it for another. Cyclical.
The utterance of the words needed to be said will never reach there destination. Communication was never much your forte in this dance.
No one knows this except me. This my experience, as I experience it alone.